Nocturnal

One of the bad things about depression is not just the worst days -- when you feel like it would be better to never wake up again -- but moderate moments when you feel that you COULD be happy, but for no reason you just aren't, and you can't reach that place. I know I SHOULD be happy, I could be -- I could dance like whirling dervish or research herbs or go to the meadow and make a broom out of tall flowers, but it is as though there is a sleepiness, a cloudiness, and I can't tear out of it. maybe it's this night, or my meds. I had to take a large amount of Midol earlier due to early menstrual cramps...
Speaking of, I wish herbs helped me with that. I love herbs -- I love picking strong smelling flowers and hanging them up to dry, and collecting nice jars for them, and putting together teas for myself -- but the three biggest problems for me are rarely helped by herbs. Those are cramps, insomnia, and depression. Granted, drinking motherwort tea once made me pass out from sleepiness, but it also almost made me throw up from the disgustingly bitter taste. Nothing is strong enough to do much to my depression except hard to obtain things that shouldn't be taken regularly (like kratom), and as far as cramps, well... the only thing that has ever helped was acetaminophen. Not aspirin, tylenol, aleve, motherwort, evening primrose -- it seems my cramps are all powerful. And it's not like I'm all that unhealthy, either...
I know I'm complaining a lot, but it's only because I just don't feel well lately, and it's something I can't seem to do anything about. When I am happy, I am probably happier than "regular" people because I have so much energy to do things -- unfortunately, most of that happiness is concentrated in the times me and Zoe used to hang out in Athens together. whatever odd, sad things happened, we could still stand by the train as it passed us, inches away, or walk down the train tracks pretending the sand is fairy dust, or walk around downtown and collect coins from the fountains to get lunch. It's better to be hungry, cold, or worn out with a friend and a purpose to your day than be full, warm, and relaxed alone inside a house with nowhere to go. Well, I'm hardly warm, but still, that's the gist of it.
I wish there was somewhere to go, and a friend... Zoe is miles away, and while me and Commrad have fun, he would be bored going down the street just talking. He would rather play a video game...
It feels like a have several homes, and I'm homesick for all of them. Moscow, dacha with all its flowers, NYC with its noise and interesting people, and Athens. But I can go to none of those places. If anything, it will end up worse -- I will be forced to move to some suburb and there will be no flowery meadows, no huge oaks; but no interesting people either, just SUV-driving Christian families that think I am "weird" and don't have a shred of imagination in their heads, only Happy Meals in their stomachs.